How to Deal (I Ain’t Mad at Cha pt 2)

If I was mad at you, I’d be a selfish fuck. That’s something Kyle isn’t. Sleep wont come easy for many days  which will turn into weeks… I was asked recently: “Do you love her enough to not transition?”… I never knew I would actually think about this shit so soon. I didn’t answer, I don’t know the answer; now that I am thinking about it, I'm just as lost. If I say no,then it sounds like I don’t love her at all, when in all actuality I do, more than she could fathom. If I say yes, it sounds like I am not serious about my transition, and her and I both know I am. A rock & a hard place, I guess this ship has run it’s course.

Now for some slight background info, my brother teaches martial arts, so he gives me lessons sometimes. This includes conditioning, in other words repetitively hitting the same spot so when you are hit there in a tourney, or in real life it won’t hurt.

The problem within myself is… I’ve conditioned my pride, and my tough outer shell, with any kind of “you’re a man, I can’t do this”, with the many females I have encountered in my life… I have not conditioned my heart for such things, it’s like shock trauma because I don’t know how to cope with emotions to begin with and how I have to deal with emotions and process this kind of information. I am trying my best though, I will figure this out. I will be taking a short hiatus to do so though. I…

*drops mind & walks off into darkness*

Well…

I know I have been slacking on my posts on this shit; I have no excuse for it, yet I need to post more. I just been going through some internal conflicts that I cannot seem to resolve on my own. Yet, I don’t want anyone else to help me.

Remember Johnny? Yea, her… I have been trying to douse the fire within myself that burns exclusively for her; I can’t. I don’t want to keep myself on hold, but I can’t free myself from the spell she has me under. Even when other women enter into my life, something about them is lack-luster in comparison to her. The worst part is that I can’t pinpoint it down to one exact thing. Even females that encompass many of the same qualities that she has, fail in comparison. I’m still venturing down this long and narrow without any kind of direction or guidance; I am terrified. I am on an enclosed course I cannot exit from though, so I must see it through to the end what ever that may be.

Before I Met You

Well, maybe I wasn’t as bad as Usher in the song (I’ll drop a vid to the song later), but I still wasn’t the best guy around. The other day a friend said she heard cancers drop people like they change their draws.. I am older and can admit I am very guilty of that in the past. I get bored easily and instead of seeing  if it will get better, I ran. Lmao, it’s sad yet funny now that I think about it. Females have professed their feelings to me and just like the typical guy, I brushed it off nonchalantly; that is before you strolled into my life.

Then shit changed.

I actually cared, I thought about shit on a deeper level and took into account my actions and how they would make you feel if I acted upon certain things. It made me realize that I can actually care for someone and trust them without being fearful of being vulnerable. You know me on a level that Erika or Yasmin  may never know me on. Yet, because you know me, if I don’t speak on my feelings to check my playlist or what I’m listening to at any given moment because music speaks for me more than I could ever say.

Just in case I never see your face again
Just in case the worst was meant to happen Just in case tomorrow never come there is something you should know
I've given you every bit of the man I am
I know at times it wasn't pretty but it was all I had
I never held back not one lil bit and the world can attest to this
And baby you flipped my program upside down

Hip-Hop

So, if you never knew, Marshall Bruce Mathers III is my favorite emcee. He is one of the true lyricists we have now a days. Don't know who Marshall is? Well, then you're a dumb fuck who shouldn't even say you listen to hip-hop. For you other folks who don't listen to hip-hop, Marshall Mathers is none other then the controversial  Eminem a.k.a. Slim Shady. The man helped truly helped open my eyes to what being a lyricist is. I heard once, rap is just for the money and hip-hop is for love of it, well at least today. Hence why I called him an emcee and not a rapper, yes there is a difference. Even though I feel as if Relapse was very weak, and he's not the same Eminem I fell in love with when I heard "Stan" ( the song that coined calling someone a stan a.k.a. a fanboy of someone in the music industry), "Hellbound" and even " Toy Soldiers". I feel like he's seen what the game is becoming and he's losing the passion that he once had. It makes me sad but, such is life.

I guess I just wrote all of that a prerequisite, to say that if the music industry concerning hip-hop and rap. With the likes of Soulja Boy and bullshit of the likes, the great music I grew up to will be long forgotten to foolishness. That scares me.

I'll be back.

Part I of ?
 *drops mic and walks off bobbing head*

2.6.11

One step forward.
I let you know...
Then I run.
I cope
Five steps back...
To my solitude.
My safety
My abyss deepens
and I recede farther
from the things you call emotions
I'm not ready,
I'm scared..
No, I can't do this,
I just cant face it yet.
Not today.
I sip the glass as I fall deeper in,
The more I sip the more the I hide.
forget I spoke up,
it was a mistake.
End story.
I know;
I've failed myself.

Kyle 2.0

I decided the last night that I will do at minimum two posts a week for 30 days just to get myself in the notion of blogging more because the rate I update this blog is despicable. I am going to revamp my whole outlook on life, not because it’s a new year but because I want a better Kyle.

I am slightly put at ease from yesterday’s blog but, I am still afraid. This is new territory that I am exploring with an outdated map. So, now I blindly venture down this desolate road. Logic stands no chance here and reason is useless. I am way out of my comfort-zone and I am searching for new ways to cope. My scapegoat of solitude can’t help me here.

*drops mic and walks off*

Fear

I don't even know what to title this one honestly. I swore I'd tell you everything about myself but that one thing, it was the thing that Harmony and I shared, that one fact about my life, that I've kept hidden from you. Now that you know, I'm.. I'm.. I don't know. It was my secret and part of me wishes I never told you but Harmz is right, you have the right to know. Yet, all I can do is listen to my music and try to pretend I never told you, in hopes you will continue on as if I never told you... Honestly, I'm just typing until this feelings subsides just a tad, you patched all the holes up and filled any void there was effortlessly. The more you patched the more I ripped down all your progress, yet it was futile and I gave up and gave in. So here I am to day.

Hi, my name is Kyle, I have philophobia and I am facing my fears.

*drops mic and walks off into the darkness*

Someone.

I don't even know how to start this one off. I can only say I want to express my gratitude for you, as best as possible. You truly are one of a kind and I am ecstatic that you are in my life. I understand our friendship is one that may confuse the masses but the fact that we understand it is all that matters.Just to let you know I'll kick some ass if someone were to hurt you in any shape, form or fashion; that's real talk. You have touched me in a way that i doubt neither one of us would of imagined when we met but I am happy for it. The fact that you actually care and want to be the one I can come to when things weigh to heavy on my mind is... words cant express how grateful I am for that. Yet, I do want you to know I want to be the person you can come to about anything just as you want me to come to you. No matter what this world throws at you, I want you to know I am always in your corner and ready to throw the first punch just so you don't have to. I guess I am writing this to say I have a great deal of love for you and you are a wonderful friend and I wouldn't trade you in the world for anything.

<3 you Peanuthead.

*drops mic & walks off*

WhoKnows.

Unorthodox.

Loneliness consumes my soul.
She may be right, hell I know she is and that scares me even more than trying.
The liquor speaks.
Stream of consciousness.
Lose ourselves inside a world made for us and no one else.
I don't know and part of me never wants to find out.
You see more into me than you know.. I don't .. no.. I'm scared to let you in.

Something; continued.

"Something in the things she shows me."

If you haven't noticed, a good portion of my post titles on here and Tumblr are from songs that evoke some some kind of deep thought within myself. I know for a fact without music and somewhere to transcribe my thoughts I would lose all grasps on my insanity. This song speaks to me.

Yes, I know before I wrote a blog using this song as the basis before.  This time it's different, it's not an ode to music, it's beautiful thoughts of her. Whom you may ask am I writing about this time? Johnny.

Two blogs in a row, days apart, she must be something special eh? Damn, right. She crept up like a thief in the night and became the black hole that's pulling me in. I can't even tell her what that something is, that's the sad part but it's something. It's deeper just how I can goof off with her and two minutes later have a serious conversation. Something way past the fact that we are the opposites in so many things yet are so much the same. Something that makes the fighting of my fondness of her simply futile. Something that I am scared to find out about, for seeking the answer may further my feelings towards her. I am a curious person, so something, might lead me to take "the one[road] less traveled by".


*drops mic & walks off*