If I was mad at you, I’d be a selfish fuck. That’s something Kyle isn’t. Sleep wont come easy for many days which will turn into weeks… I was asked recently: “Do you love her enough to not transition?”… I never knew I would actually think about this shit so soon. I didn’t answer, I don’t know the answer; now that I am thinking about it, I'm just as lost. If I say no,then it sounds like I don’t love her at all, when in all actuality I do, more than she could fathom. If I say yes, it sounds like I am not serious about my transition, and her and I both know I am. A rock & a hard place, I guess this ship has run it’s course.
Now for some slight background info, my brother teaches martial arts, so he gives me lessons sometimes. This includes conditioning, in other words repetitively hitting the same spot so when you are hit there in a tourney, or in real life it won’t hurt.
The problem within myself is… I’ve conditioned my pride, and my tough outer shell, with any kind of “you’re a man, I can’t do this”, with the many females I have encountered in my life… I have not conditioned my heart for such things, it’s like shock trauma because I don’t know how to cope with emotions to begin with and how I have to deal with emotions and process this kind of information. I am trying my best though, I will figure this out. I will be taking a short hiatus to do so though. I…
*drops mind & walks off into darkness*
