Something; continued.

"Something in the things she shows me."

If you haven't noticed, a good portion of my post titles on here and Tumblr are from songs that evoke some some kind of deep thought within myself. I know for a fact without music and somewhere to transcribe my thoughts I would lose all grasps on my insanity. This song speaks to me.

Yes, I know before I wrote a blog using this song as the basis before.  This time it's different, it's not an ode to music, it's beautiful thoughts of her. Whom you may ask am I writing about this time? Johnny.

Two blogs in a row, days apart, she must be something special eh? Damn, right. She crept up like a thief in the night and became the black hole that's pulling me in. I can't even tell her what that something is, that's the sad part but it's something. It's deeper just how I can goof off with her and two minutes later have a serious conversation. Something way past the fact that we are the opposites in so many things yet are so much the same. Something that makes the fighting of my fondness of her simply futile. Something that I am scared to find out about, for seeking the answer may further my feelings towards her. I am a curious person, so something, might lead me to take "the one[road] less traveled by".


*drops mic & walks off*

I Ain't Mad at You...

I haven't been on this jawn in ages. That's no good. I also know I need to purge my system... So here goes nothing.

I have these walls up around my mind, just like Area51, I keep you females at a distance for not only my safety, but yours too. So, don't take it personal when I say I don't commit; just see it as you don't fit the criteria to handle what goes on in this mind of mines, let alone to handle the respect from a man such as myself. Believe that. Then there is this one person, let's call her Johnny. So, I like Johnny, yeah? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, before I talk about Johnny and dive into the main course of this blog post let me give you some background info.

I am not your average FTM, by far. If you know me, by know me, I mean converse with me on a regular. You should know this by now but for those who think they know me and don't let me explain. A large majority of FTMS are he-man (see: Little Rascals) woman haters. They are also self haters and refuse to understand who they were makes them the man they are now. You just can't forget who you were because you will never know who you are. I understand who I was and that's what makes me the man I am today and I also understand what I can and cannot change. Gender? Fluid. Sexuality? Fluid. Sex? Permanent. Why do I say permanent? You find me a dosage of testosterone that will change my DNA (see: deoxynucleic acid) and make my chromosomes go from XX (female) to XY(male) and I will kiss your feet(note: I HATE feet). I also know every transgendered person has a different story, now I am not here to tell you my damn story but I will say I know what I can and cannot live without.

Now, on to the reason I am writing this. Johnny? I like her. I actually do like her. Yet, a big part of me doesn't want to, the other part is drawn to her like a moth to light. I know that sounds kind of fucked up but, eh, it's the truth you know? Johnny is pretty fucking cool, if I do say so. The conflict arises with me and my transition, in which I respect her feelings about it because at least she is honest with me about it and she would never want me to jeopardize my happiness just to make her happy. I commend her for that because a lot of you females don't try to understand that we are going through with our transition. Yet, I fucking like you. How much I like you I will not disclose but it does bother me, but I'm not mad at you. I can't be. I do know though... Like Miss Badu said... I guess I'll see you next lifetime, if you believe in that sorta thing..

*drops mic & walks off*