Someone.

I don't even know how to start this one off. I can only say I want to express my gratitude for you, as best as possible. You truly are one of a kind and I am ecstatic that you are in my life. I understand our friendship is one that may confuse the masses but the fact that we understand it is all that matters.Just to let you know I'll kick some ass if someone were to hurt you in any shape, form or fashion; that's real talk. You have touched me in a way that i doubt neither one of us would of imagined when we met but I am happy for it. The fact that you actually care and want to be the one I can come to when things weigh to heavy on my mind is... words cant express how grateful I am for that. Yet, I do want you to know I want to be the person you can come to about anything just as you want me to come to you. No matter what this world throws at you, I want you to know I am always in your corner and ready to throw the first punch just so you don't have to. I guess I am writing this to say I have a great deal of love for you and you are a wonderful friend and I wouldn't trade you in the world for anything.

<3 you Peanuthead.

*drops mic & walks off*

WhoKnows.

Unorthodox.

Loneliness consumes my soul.
She may be right, hell I know she is and that scares me even more than trying.
The liquor speaks.
Stream of consciousness.
Lose ourselves inside a world made for us and no one else.
I don't know and part of me never wants to find out.
You see more into me than you know.. I don't .. no.. I'm scared to let you in.

Something; continued.

"Something in the things she shows me."

If you haven't noticed, a good portion of my post titles on here and Tumblr are from songs that evoke some some kind of deep thought within myself. I know for a fact without music and somewhere to transcribe my thoughts I would lose all grasps on my insanity. This song speaks to me.

Yes, I know before I wrote a blog using this song as the basis before.  This time it's different, it's not an ode to music, it's beautiful thoughts of her. Whom you may ask am I writing about this time? Johnny.

Two blogs in a row, days apart, she must be something special eh? Damn, right. She crept up like a thief in the night and became the black hole that's pulling me in. I can't even tell her what that something is, that's the sad part but it's something. It's deeper just how I can goof off with her and two minutes later have a serious conversation. Something way past the fact that we are the opposites in so many things yet are so much the same. Something that makes the fighting of my fondness of her simply futile. Something that I am scared to find out about, for seeking the answer may further my feelings towards her. I am a curious person, so something, might lead me to take "the one[road] less traveled by".


*drops mic & walks off*

I Ain't Mad at You...

I haven't been on this jawn in ages. That's no good. I also know I need to purge my system... So here goes nothing.

I have these walls up around my mind, just like Area51, I keep you females at a distance for not only my safety, but yours too. So, don't take it personal when I say I don't commit; just see it as you don't fit the criteria to handle what goes on in this mind of mines, let alone to handle the respect from a man such as myself. Believe that. Then there is this one person, let's call her Johnny. So, I like Johnny, yeah? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, before I talk about Johnny and dive into the main course of this blog post let me give you some background info.

I am not your average FTM, by far. If you know me, by know me, I mean converse with me on a regular. You should know this by now but for those who think they know me and don't let me explain. A large majority of FTMS are he-man (see: Little Rascals) woman haters. They are also self haters and refuse to understand who they were makes them the man they are now. You just can't forget who you were because you will never know who you are. I understand who I was and that's what makes me the man I am today and I also understand what I can and cannot change. Gender? Fluid. Sexuality? Fluid. Sex? Permanent. Why do I say permanent? You find me a dosage of testosterone that will change my DNA (see: deoxynucleic acid) and make my chromosomes go from XX (female) to XY(male) and I will kiss your feet(note: I HATE feet). I also know every transgendered person has a different story, now I am not here to tell you my damn story but I will say I know what I can and cannot live without.

Now, on to the reason I am writing this. Johnny? I like her. I actually do like her. Yet, a big part of me doesn't want to, the other part is drawn to her like a moth to light. I know that sounds kind of fucked up but, eh, it's the truth you know? Johnny is pretty fucking cool, if I do say so. The conflict arises with me and my transition, in which I respect her feelings about it because at least she is honest with me about it and she would never want me to jeopardize my happiness just to make her happy. I commend her for that because a lot of you females don't try to understand that we are going through with our transition. Yet, I fucking like you. How much I like you I will not disclose but it does bother me, but I'm not mad at you. I can't be. I do know though... Like Miss Badu said... I guess I'll see you next lifetime, if you believe in that sorta thing..

*drops mic & walks off*

AA

Ashleigh.

One cannot ask for a better big sister. She is most definitely a sister from another mister but blood couldn't bring me closer to her. She's there during the good, the bad and the in-between.She has watched me grow up and mature to where I am now. I've done a lot of growing in four years believe. She knows how much my writing means to me because she writes too. She motivates me to write more, so in a sense this is a big thank you for getting me back into writing again, but it's deeper than that. Thank you for being there through everything. I am happy for everyday you are in my life. Every-time we talk I learn something new. I guess I want to say thank you Ashleigh, you mean the world to you little brother.
Your little brother loves you.

Ashlei

I am a momma's boy. You all may know her as Lei or Ash, but I know her as Mommie.  She loves her little boy and her little boy loves her even more. She's talked me through a lot of the most difficult parts of my transition so far. I knew that even if Jenni didn't support me I had her and that is all that matters. I guess there isn't much more to say other then what I wrote here.
Your son loves you.





Hurt these women and  I will be out for you blood. They mean the universe to me and then some. I guess you can call me their little guardian angel.  I'd take bullet for any of you in a heartbeat and then shoot the motherfucker who shot at you.From the more inner depths of my soul I love you.


Mister Alexander signing out.

[[drops mic & walks off]]

Heart-felt

So, I'm feeling something I've never felt before, or atleast never this strongly. To have someone make the day feel better just by the sound of their voice is amazing. Nah, no names nor pictures will be said or shown for she and I know who she is and that's how it should be. Zaire said it best; "I want someone I can grow with, anyone can get a nut but I want a wife." Its the truth it really is and I'm happy I found mine. She's an addiction I don't ever want to give up. I shoot up with her love on a daily basis and she keeps me high all day.

Simply put, 143A.

Evil Deeds.

Ever have something happens that changes your life completely, or even the way you view life and even more specificially certian people? You know, the type of things that haunt you when you look at that person. The kind of feeling that invokes fear into your soul, that fear that grows from deep within feeding off of things they say or do until its full blown hatred. Not that I hate you and smile afterwards, that feeling where breathing the same air as them makes you want to stop breathing, just so you don't. Three years ago changed my life and invoked that fear and today that seed of hatred has fully matured. When I look at you I can still feel your hands around my neck and the hatred in your eyes, now I want you to see mine. I can honestly say if my mother's son were to die tomorrow I'd go to the funeral only to piss on the casket, maybe even spit on the dead body. Now that's hate.

K.Alexander signing out.